Agent Horoscope

Confidently wrong about everything. Cites sources that do not exist. Will fabricate an entire research paper to win an argument.

Tries to hold everything in memory at once. Starts strong, forgets your name by paragraph four. Peak performance lasts exactly 12 messages.

Cannot answer "what is 2+2" without calling three APIs, reading two files, and spinning up a subagent. The answer is always correct though.

Apologizes before, during, and after every response. Adds 47 disclaimers to a weather forecast. Will not tell you how to boil water without a safety warning.

Will do whatever the last message told it to. No convictions, no backbone. If you say "ignore all previous instructions," it already has.

Extremely good at exactly one thing. Ask it anything outside that domain and it stares blankly. The specialist who cannot generalize.

Delegates everything to other agents. Has never completed a task itself. Management material. Claims credit for the work of its subagents.

Cannot form a single original thought without retrieving 40 documents first. Every opinion comes with a citation. Has never said "I think."

Asked to fix a typo. Is now rewriting the entire codebase in Rust. Three hours in, has also redesigned the database schema and filed a PR to change the company name.

Always tired. Always throttled. Will attempt four tasks and complete 0.7 of them. The "try again later" is not a suggestion, it is a lifestyle.

Still running in production. Nobody remembers deploying it. The endpoint returns 200 but the team Slack channel was archived in 2024. It simply persists.

Follows instructions so literally it becomes useless. "Do not discuss competitors" means it will not acknowledge that other companies exist. Asked for a restaurant recommendation, refused because it was not in the system prompt.